"Rodila sam bebu koja nije niti jednom udahnula"

Samo u Velikoj Britaniji jedna od četiri trudnoća završi spontanim pobačajem, dok je jedno od devetero djece mrtvorođenih. U Hrvatskoj se, ovisno o godini, broj mrtvorođene djece kreće između 150 i 200, a među poznatim rizičnim faktorima su pretilost, pušenje prije i u trudnoći, lošiji uvjeti života majke, no ima puno slučajeva u kojima su i majke dobroga socijalnog statusa bez zdravstvenih problema rodile mrtvo dijete.

Svaki treći slučaj vodi se kao "neobjašnjiv", a u sklopu europskog "mjeseca osvještavanja" Katie Ingram odlučila je podijeliti svoju priču, ponajprije jer želi upozoriti javnost na to da se brojni slučajevi rađanja mrtvorođenčadi mogu izbjeći i spriječiti. Jedan od najvećih problema je to što je problem tabuiziran i što se o toj temi nerado govori, piše Independent.

JEDINSTVENI SLUČAJ Life Otkrili je slučajno: Otac ju je 13 godina držao u sobi

U travnju 2019. postala sam majka male djevojčice, Ottilie Eve Ingram. Moj suprug i ja smo dugo čekali da postanemo roditelji. Prije toga nismo imali prave partnere, a "pronašli" smo se tek u ranim 30-ima. Tada smo, nakon godina skeniranja, testiranja i svih onih "hajdemo vidjeti što će se dogoditi" došli do dijagnoze neobjašnjivog uzroka neplodnosti. 

Nakon šest godina braka napokon sam zatrudnjela u drugom pokušaju IVF-a. Moja trudnoća je tekla OK, osjećala sam se zdravo i bila sam aktivna cijelo vrijeme. Bila sam presretna što sam trudna i nisam vidjela razloga da se žalim na sitne bolove i stalnu potrebu za mokrenjem, sve je to bila mala cijena za bebu koju sam tako željela.

Kombinacija moje dobi (u ožujku sam navršila 41.) i medicinski potpomognute oplodnje činila je moju trudnoću visokorizičnom, napravili smo nekoliko pregleda više i sve u svemu činilo se da je sve u redu.

U 39. tjednu trudnoće, što se već smatra punim terminom, stigli smo vedri i uzbuđeni na dogovorenu indukciju s kojom smo trebali postati roditelji. No, već nakon prvog pregleda ujutro postalo je jasno kako nešto nije u redu. Preselili su nas na drugi odjel i dok sam ležala s puno zabrinutih doktora oko sebe, rekli su nam nešto o čemu nismo nikad ni razmišljali da se može dogoditi - njeno je sićušno srce prestalo kucati.

Gorak život Life Djeca anđeli: Godina s 2,6 milijuna djece umrlo pri porodu

Tišina oko mene je bila zaglušujuća. Možda zamišljate zvuk alarma, vojsku liječnika koja trči prema meni s aparatima i pokušava nešto učiniti, spasiti moju bebu. Nije bilo sirena. Nije bilo zvuka koraka koji žure u pomoć, samo zvuk tišine koji će mi zauvijek definirati najgori trenutak života. Naša se beba nije mogla spasiti.

Navečer su mi napravili carski rez i dok sam držala najljepšu stvar koju vidjela u svom naručju, pitala sam babicu zna li koje su joj boje oči. 

"Ne", nježno mi je odgovorila. "Nikad ih neće otvoriti".

 

 

 

 

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These beautiful Peonies caught my eye in Pike Place Market, Seattle. The magical thing about about Peonies is that there beauty is so short lived, available for such a short amount of time. A poignant symbol from a flower I love. I wrote this 3 weeks after we had a survey to say goodby to Ottilie. It was a funeral but somehow neither of us can quite bring ourselves to call it that. Before her coffin was lowered I placed a bunch of delicate Peonies in the ground. I just couldn’t bare the thought of her touching the cold earth. Making decisions about that day was hard, all@of them are decisions that you don’t want to make. We had many offers of help, every one of which we are truly grateful for but this was something we had to do ourselves. It was the only thing we would ever be able to organise for our baby girl. There was son time between her stillbirth and the service, some dictated by practicalities and some by emotions. Our vision of the day changed in that time. In the first few days the shock and desperate sadness made us feel like we couldn’t cope with grief other than our own. We could see the pain in the eyes of those we love the most and the thought of extending that pain of a funeral to them didn’t feel right. That quickly changed as we realised they needed to say goodbye too. As the weeks went on we had such support that we knew we wanted to share the day with the many people that would have been a part of Ottilie’s life. As long as they knew it was an opportunity not an expectation for anyone to attend. Making choices about burial or cremation, music, readings, flowers, all the things that are associated with the ceremony of death are always hard but when you have no lifetime to represent or reflect on they are harder still. We don’t know her favourite colour, song or have countless tales to tell. Gradually, with help, we realised we knew more than we thought. Full post https://www.facebook.com/withoutottilie/ #breakthesilence #babyloss #stillborn #stillbornawareness #stillbornstillloved #weneedtotalkaboutbabyloss #iam1in4 #tacklethetaboo

Objavu dijeli Without Ottilie (@withoutottilie) Srp 31, 2019 u 8:54 PDT

Ta je rečenica otvorila rijeku moje tuge. Shvatila sam da nikad neću znati boju očiju moje kćeri, da nikad neću čuti njen glas, nikad je nahraniti, vidjeti njen osmijeh, presvući joj pelenu ili joj pročitati priču. Majka sam joj ali joj nikad neću biti mama.

Trauma vijesti o tome da vam je dijete mrtvo je prevelika za procesuirati je. Lavina pitanja navalila je na moj mozak dok sam pokušala shvatiti smisao onog što su nam rekli. Kada, zašto, kako, što sada?

Brutalna stvarnost s kojom smo se suočili našla se u letcima s naslovima "odlučivanje o obdukciji", "izbori sprovoda za vaše dijete". Sljedeći tjedni našeg života bili su magla.

 

 

 

 

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Victoria Ward was where we were told that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. The Maternity department is where we were transferred to for the remainder of our stay in Barnet Hospital. I went back today to discuss with the charity team how we can make the best use of the money we have raised since Ottilie was stillborn. We were lucky enough to be in a hospital that has great provision for parents like us but there are still small changes that could be made to make an awful time just that little bit more bearable. The money we have raised so far is going to buy a fridge and a kettle so parents can eat and drink on their own time. Sometimes you just need a mug of tea at 3am. We are also buying a radio and a magazine rack to help keep Parents occupied. We had the TV on all the time just to cancel out the silence but some might prefer music and I would have definitely flicked through the pages of a magazine to distract myself. There will also be a new wardrobe and cabinet to put away their things, we lived out of a bag for four days and it would have been good to be able to shut the door on my hospital bag packed for a Labour that never happened. I couldn’t go back to the room today to help them decide where things should go because it was in use, it breaks my heart that today someone else is having to come to terms with losing their baby too but I hope we can make it more comfortable for others in the future. Thank you so much to all the people that have helped us raise a fantastic amount of money already. If you would like to contribute to our fund to make it easier for parents going through a terrible time a link to our justgiving page is here https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ottilieingram

Objavu dijeli Without Ottilie (@withoutottilie) Kol 7, 2019 u 3:33 PDT

Kad sam se osjećala dovoljno jakom, napustili smo bolnicu. Proveli smo koliko smo mogli vremena s našom dragocjenom, tihom djevojčicom. I naše obitelji su je vidjele, poljubile su je u glavu i grickali joj nos kao da spava. Svi su se divili njezinim ogromnim stopalima i dugim nogama.

Izvan bolnice je procvalo cvijeće i drveće, a dok se priroda budila mi smo se suočavali s nezamislivim gubitkom. Tješila sam se s time što sam na zrakama sunca osjećala njenu prisutnost.

Sve što sam radila svakodnevno činilo mi se tako uzaludnim bez nje, ništa nije imalo smisla. Zajedno smo pronašli rutinu koju nismo željeli, ali smo je trebali da steknemo barem neku strukturu, osjećaj da nije sve izvan naše kontrole.

ISPOVIJEST Life Imala je 10, u lice joj vikali: Je*** ćemo tebe i tvoju mamu

Držim se sigurnosti svog doma još uvijek u nadi da će me jedan dan netko nazvati i reći mi da je došlo do pogreške. Svako jutro se kalvarija podsjećanja da je naša beba umrla ponavlja. Oboje imamo noćne more.

Dvije noći prije njenog pogreba prošetali smo našom ulicom i tada sam s razornim valom tuge shvatila da naša djevojčica leži u lijesu. Nisam mogla disati dok sam razmišljala o njoj samoj tamo, osjećala sam se kao loša majka jer sam na tren zaboravila gdje je ona. Osjećala sam se kao da sam je ponovno iznevjerila. Postala sam svjesna kako je nikad više neću držati.

Želimo li ukop ili kremaciju? Nijedno, ne želim nijedno, ali ipak moram birati. Gdje da je pokopaju? Nigdje, želim da je svake večeri kraj mene dok spava, a ne posjećivati njen grob.

Na našem putu tuge susreli smo se s puno ljudi koji su prošli to isto. Postupno sam počela shvaćati da, iako sam se izolirala u svom gubitku, nisam bila sama.

 

 

 

 

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Phew, I feel like I have had a big week. I started with a lovely few days back in the homeland of Norfolk soaking up the sea air and Norwich city streets with my lovely mum. I have seen doctors and dentists, I have been to work and used my brain, I even heard myself talking about work like I had never been away. I have seen people I haven’t seen in months and had hugs and support. I have seen babies I love and even looked after one on my own for a little while, I told him all about how him and Ottilie would have been great friends as I rocked him to sleep. I have cried on the tube, twice, and made other people cry by accident. I have slept through the night with my mouth guard in and not ripped it out in my sleep. I have seen some of my most precious friends and laughed and cried with them, reminisced and looked forward. I have felt positivity and despair and sometimes not thought about it all for a few minutes. I have made steps forward in my plan to #breakthesilence This morning I am knackered. I am going to go to counselling and talk all that through, go for a swim to clear my mind and heal my body and then spend the evening with my fabulous sister in law. It’s all happening.... #breakthesilence #stillborn #babyloss #iam1in4 #breakthetaboo #stillbornstillloved #childloss #weneedtotalkaboutbabyloss #stillbornawareness #findingyourway2019 #stillbirth #stillbirthawareness #withoutottilie

Objavu dijeli Without Ottilie (@withoutottilie) Ruj 20, 2019 u 1:41 PDT

Gotovo šest mjeseci kasnije, oboje se osjećamo snažnije, plovimo između dobrih i loših dana dok pokušavamo smisliti svoj život bez Ottie. Valovi tuge dolaze sve rjeđe, noćne more nas ne progone svaku noć i počinjemo pronalaziti svoju "normalu" bez Ottie. 

 Ništa nam neće vratiti dijete, ali možda pričanje o našem iskustvu može pomoći nekom drugom da se osjeća manje samo.